Faking Orgasms – How Do You “Come Clean”
Research suggests that a significant percentage of women have at some point faked an orgasm. Although studies vary in their findings (from 58% based on a 2017 study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior, to 80% from a 2010 study published in The Journal of Sex Research), faking an orgasm is not uncommon amongst women. But what is the reason that so many women have at one time or another faked an orgasm? And more importantly, how does this contribute to the mismatch of pleasure that so often brings discontent to a relationship?
There are several common reasons that vulva owners (and some penis owners too if they are radically honest!) fake orgasms. Because it physically takes women longer to become sexually aroused than their male counterparts, women often feel that it is “taking too long” to have an orgasm and then succumb to pressure by faking it. Another reason may be to boost a partner’s confidence or even make themselves feel more sexual prowess. For some, ending sex sooner may be due to fatigue or pain (and sex should never be painful). Additionally, avoiding conflict or the potential to disappoint a partner may be another reason that women feel they must fake it. While these may seem like legitimate motives, it’s important to look at the big picture and understand how this practice not only affects personal pleasure (or lack thereof) but also contributes to influencing societal norms and reinforcing patriarchal views about sex.
So, what happens when this goes on in a long-term relationship? Coming clean to a partner can be a sensitive conversation, but honesty is always the best policy. Here are some tips to keep in mind:
Choose the right time and setting: Pick a neutral, relaxed moment outside of the bedroom. Avoid having this discussion during or right after sex, as emotions may be heightened.
Approach it with positivity and reassurance: Emphasize that you value your connection and want to improve intimacy. Avoid blaming or making them feel inadequate. Make it about you, not your partner. You can even blame it on this blog, by saying something like “Hey, I was reading this blog about how common it is for women to pretend to orgasm, and I realized that I haven’t always been completely honest about this myself. I love being intimate with you, but I’m not even sure what I need to have consistent orgasms when I’m with a partner. I really want to explore this further with you and work together so that we’re both fully enjoying our experience”.
Explain your reasons with honesty: Share some of the above-mentioned reasons and specifically why you felt the need to fake it. Normalize the conversation and emphasize that you want to be better able to communicate your needs.
Shift the focus to exploration and solutions: Discuss what turns you on and what helps you reach orgasm. If you don’t know, explore first with yourself and then help your partner to understand. Encourage trying new things together, such as different techniques, toys, or additional foreplay during sex.
Be patient and open to their feelings: Your partner may feel surprised or hurt. Give them space to process and reinforce that this conversation is about growth, not criticism.
Once you have opened up with your partner, you can work towards improving your experiences and having the pleasure that you deserve. Below are some tips to make that happen:
Advocate for it: Ask for more touch, connection, kissing or cuddling before moving straight to penetration. A good way to do this without making your partner feel inadequate or defensive is to start with a positive followed by “and” asking for what you want. For example, “I love it when you run your hands over my ass AND I’d love it even more if you would suck on my nipples while you touch me”.
Reframe it: Explain to your partner that you tend to feel pressure to orgasm or perform in a certain way. Consider asking your partner to join you in reframing how you look at sex, where orgasm isn’t necessarily a requirement, but just a bonus if it happens. Make it about the journey, and not about the destination.
Show it: If you have been able to find what kind of touch or stimulation you need to reach orgasm, show your partner. Communicate what feels good, whether it’s a little more pressure or less, or faster versus slower. It can be helpful to gently guide their hand or move it with the pressure and pace that you desire.
Make it mutual: Consider asking your partner if they are open to mutual masturbation. This is a great way to learn more about what each other likes and how they desire to be touched. It can also be a great way to introduce some sex toys into your sexual play.
Add it: If you have found some toys that are exciting to you, talk to your partner about introducing them into your sexy play. This may be best discussed outside of the bedroom, but if your partner is open to this you may find it helpful to go to a toy store together. Finding toys that can provide added pleasure for both of you may be just what you both need to feel fully satisfied.
Final thoughts:
While having these conversations about sex and coming clean about your needs can be difficult, it offers significant benefits for both partners and the relationship overall. Open communication can create deeper emotional intimacy by fostering trust and vulnerability, create an environment of growth and exploration, and improve overall sexual satisfaction.
Want to learn more about how to navigate difficult conversations in your relationship? Book an appointment with me for personalized guidance on enhancing pleasure and intimacy.