What is Consensual Non-Monogamy? A Beginners Guide
Monogamy might be the default for many relationships, but it’s far from the only way to love. As more people explore relationship models that better align with their values, desires, and personal growth, consensual non-monogamy (CNM) has emerged from the margins and into everyday conversations. But what exactly does it mean? And how do people practice it in real life?
This guide is a starting point for anyone curious about CNM; whether you're exploring for yourself, supporting someone you care about, or simply learning with an open mind.
So, let’s start by defining what CNM is. Consensual non-monogamy is an umbrella term that refers to any relationship style where individuals agree to engage in more than one romantic or sexual relationship at a time, with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. The key word here is consensual. This is not cheating, lying, or betraying. That would be non-monogamy, but not consensual non-monogamy. It's a deliberate, ethical approach to love and intimacy that includes a variety of relationship styles. The terminology is continuously evolving, as are the infinite ways in which relationships can be structured. Additionally, not everyone believes in labels, so this is simply meant to be an introductory overview of terms.
Polyamory: A form of CNM in which one, some, or all partners engage openly in more than one romantic and (often) sexual relationship. There are many forms and styles, but polyamory implies that love and romance will be involved and that the arrangement is consensual for all parties
Mono-polyamorous: A term for a relationship in which one partner remains open to extradyadic sexual and romantic connections, while the other partner remains monogamous.
Pod or Polycule: A group of people who are connected to one another by interconnecting intimate relationships.
Primary/Secondary: This refers to an agreement that one partnership (the primary) takes precedent over all others, which are now considered secondary.
Open Relationships: An umbrella term often used to describe a form of CNM in which extradyadic romance or love are not expected or allowed but is structured more on sexual relationships.
Swinging: Often referred to as “the lifestyle”, this is a form of couple sexual exploration or play, usually involving other couples. It is generally assumed that sexual encounters will be for the enrichment of the couple and that romance won’t be part of the agreement. The term “unicorn” is typically used to describe a third party that joins a couple, on their terms. This can be misleading, as it implies that this type of partner is difficult to find (which is often not at all the case).
Relationship Anarchy: This describes an ever-evolving relationship philosophy with the belief that relationships should be nonhierarchical, thus rejecting traditional relationship labels and focusing on autonomy and mutual respect.
Solo Polyamory: A way of being polyamorous whereby a person identifies as single but may have multiple relationships that value independence and don't prioritize a “primary” partner. There is some overlap between this and relationship anarchy.
Each of these forms can be deeply personal and tailored to fit the needs of the people involved.
You might be surprised to learn that CNM is not rare. A 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found that about 20% of U.S. adults have practiced some form of consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives. With growing awareness, media representation, and online communities, more people are feeling safe and empowered to explore it openly. So why do people choose CNM? There are many reasons, including:
Freedom and autonomy: The ability to explore different types of connections without giving up personal independence.
Emotional diversity: Different partners can fulfill different emotional, intellectual, or sexual needs.
Philosophical or ethical beliefs: Some reject the idea that love must be limited to one person.
Personal growth: CNM often requires (and fosters) deep self-reflection, honesty, and emotional intelligence.
It’s not about “not being satisfied” with one partner, rather it’s about choosing a different structure for how love and connection unfold.
A common question about CNM is around jealousy. Many have a difficult time understanding how one could not be jealous when involving other partners in a relationship. Well, jealousy does still exist in CNM, but it's approached differently. Instead of seeing jealousy as a signal to shut things down, many CNM practitioners use it as an opportunity to reflect, communicate, and grow. People often work through insecurities by building trust, developing emotional resilience, and practicing a concept known as compersion (which means the ability to feel joy in a partner’s joy with someone else).
While every relationship is different, the following are some core skills that tend to show up in successful CNM dynamics:
Clear communication: Have frequent, honest conversations about boundaries, expectations, and feelings.
Consent and agreement: Be clear that all parties understand and agree on the structure of the relationships.
Emotional responsibility: It’s essential to recognize your own triggers and to own your emotional experience.
Time management: Balancing multiple relationships takes intentional scheduling and energy, therefore it’s essential to prioritize time management.
If CNM resonates with you or if you are considering this type of relationship structure, it’s important to reflect on your values. Ask yourself:
· “What am I looking for?”
· “What fears or hopes do I have?”
· “How could this add value to myself or my relationship?”
If you're already in a relationship, honesty is key. Talk openly and honestly with your partner about your desire to consider CNM. And be prepared for your partner to have questions or uncertainties. This is certainly not a decision that is made overnight. It can also be helpful to join a community, such as online forums, alternative dating sites, or local meetups to provide support, connection, and resources.
Final Thoughts:
Consensual non-monogamy isn’t about having “more” relationships, it’s about building them differently. For some, it’s a path to greater honesty, deeper self-knowledge, and more expansive love. Whether you’re just beginning to explore or simply curious, know that there’s no single right way to love. Only the one that works; for you, and for the people you care about.
If you would like to learn more about CNM, explore these resources or book an appointment with me for a safe and non-judgmental discussion.
The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy
Polysecure by Jessica Fern
More Than Two by Franklin Veaux & Eve Rickert