Out of Sync: Understanding and Normalizing Sexual Desire Discrepancy
One of the most common complaints that I hear from my vulva-owning patients is that they are experiencing decreased libido (sexual desire), and this is having a negative effect on their relationship. This mismatch in sexual desire between partners is termed desire discrepancy, and it can manifest in frequency, intensity, or interest in sexual activities. This disparity is common and normal, but when left unaddressed, it can create emotional distance, resentment, and even lead to dissatisfaction or conflicts within a relationship. It’s important to understand that this can happen throughout our lives and relationships, and it does not mean that there is something wrong or broken with either partner. In this post, we’ll explore why sexual desire discrepancy happens and hopefully help to normalize this issue. Further posts will address some practical ways to approach and manage desire discrepancy within a relationship.
Understanding why sexual desire discrepancy occurs is key to managing it. Here are several factors that might contribute:
Biological Factors: Some common biological factors that may occur throughout a relationship may include hormonal changes, health conditions, and fatigue. Hormonal changes may occur during pregnancy or menopause, or because of certain medications (such as antidepressants). Talking with a health care provider and being evaluated for certain health conditions such as diabetes, thyroid disorders, or mental health conditions (e.g. depression) is an important first step when addressing concerns about sexual desire. Additionally, you may want to discuss options for hormone replacement or medication changes with your provider, as this may have a significant impact on sexual desire. Finally, fatigue caused by physical exhaustion or poor sleep can lower libido for some individuals.
Psychological Factors: Stress, trauma and shame (STS) are major psychological factors that impact sexual desire. Stress and anxiety from things like job pressures, household duties, children, or financial issues can significantly impact libido. For penis owners, this may result in an inability to get or maintain an erection, while for vulva owners, stress often makes it difficult to be present or mindful during sex. When your mind is on the grocery list or the presentation that you must give to your boss in the morning, it’s impossible to fully enjoy or get pleasure from a sexual experience. Trauma from unresolved past experiences, especially sexual trauma, can certainly contribute to a lack of desire or difficulty with intimacy. Trauma is something that nearly everyone experiences to some extent. Some people have experienced “big T trauma” (such as natural disasters, war, or past physical, emotional or sexual abuse), while others may have experienced things that can be considered “little t trauma”. This refers to distressing experiences that may not be life-threatening but still have a significant emotional or psychological impact (such as repeated microaggressions, bullying, failure or rejection, or betrayal by a friend or partner). Shame plays a significant role in sexual desire and pleasure. Shame can be a result of cultural or religious messages that one has been brought up with around sexuality; body image or performance issues; guilt or fear around preferences that are seen as taboo; early experiences of rejection or humiliation related to sex; or embarrassment over natural bodily functions (e.g. vaginal dryness, squirting, or changes in erection strength for penis owners).
Relationship Dynamics: Communication issues, emotional connection, or differences in baseline levels of desire are some common relationship dynamics that can lead to desire discrepancy. A lack of open, honest communication about desires, boundaries, and needs can lead to frustration. Open communication is essential during all stages of a relationship but is often overlooked, especially in long-term situations. It’s important to establish regular check-ins to discuss changing sexual needs and desires throughout long-term relationships. This will help to foster the emotional intimacy and connection that is crucial for maintaining a healthy sex life. Lastly, it is important to consider that each partner may have a different baseline level of desire, and those differences can naturally cause discrepancies. This doesn’t mean that one person’s level of desire is right or wrong, it just means that they are different than their partners. Pressuring or shaming a partner to have the same level of desire is not helpful for the relationship and could even push that partner further away.
Final thoughts:
Sexual desire discrepancy is a natural part of many relationships, and while it can pose challenges, it’s possible to work through it with patience, understanding, and open communication. By addressing the issue without judgment and taking proactive steps to strengthen emotional and physical intimacy, couples can navigate this common challenge and emerge with a stronger bond. Remember, every relationship is unique, and it’s okay to seek help if needed. What matters most is finding what works best for both partners.
Is desire discrepancy affecting your relationship? If you would like additional support to work through this common issue, book an appointment with me. I can offer personalized guidance in addressing the factors that may be affecting your desire and ways to communicate this to your partner.