Out of Sync: Managing Sexual Desire Discrepancy
As discussed in Out of Sync: Understanding and Normalizing Sexual Desire Discrepancy, mismatched sexual desire is common in long-term relationships, stemming from biological, psychological, or relational factors. Roles can shift over time, and there’s no “right” amount of desire. When unaddressed, desire discrepancy can lead to frustration, resentment, emotional disconnection, conflict, or even infidelity. While the difference itself isn't the problem, ineffective coping patterns can turn it into one. This post will explore these patterns, each partner’s role, and ways to manage this issue.
Whether you are the higher desire partner (HDP) or the lower desire partner (LDP), the realities are:
· The LDP controls sex: The person with lower desire holds the control, as they decide when and how sex happens. The HDP typically initiates, unless they’ve given up. The LDP can't avoid this control, even if they don't want it.
· The LDP often controls their partner’s sense of adequacy: The HDP may feel unwanted or unimportant when their partner isn’t interested in sex, which can affect their self-worth. This shifts sex from a connection to a way to boost the higher desire partner’s confidence, eventually making sex less appealing for both.
If you are the LDP, consider these ineffective coping patterns and ways to manage them:
· Succumbing to the pressure inherent in the situation: As mentioned earlier, the LDP’s reluctance to be intimate can affect their partner’s sense of worth, leading to guilt. Some may try having the LDP initiate sex, but this doesn't eliminate the pressure and likely won't resolve the issue. The reality is that pressure exists, and the solution lies in addressing it together. It’s important to take action, despite the pressure, to make changes that benefit both partners.
· Failing to identify and address obstacles that are in your way: There are valid reasons for not wanting sex, such as sexual dysfunction, pain, stress, or relationship dynamics. These obstacles can reduce desire. In her book Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski discusses "accelerators" (what turns us on) and "brakes" (what turns us off). Identifying your "brakes" is key to addressing them with your partner and finding ways to remove them.
· Becoming resistant to being an active part of the solution: You might be avoiding your own anxiety or limitations by focusing on your partner’s issues. It’s possible you're comfortable staying in your own zone, even while your partner struggles. A successful relationship requires you to actively work on resolving what matters to both of you, and your sex life is no different. As mentioned earlier, your role starts with recognizing and addressing the obstacles that stand in the way.
· Pathologizing your partner: The key is to have an open, non-judgmental conversation about your feelings, desires, and concerns. Approach the difference in sex drive with calmness and empathy, aiming to understand each other’s point of view. Avoid judging your partner’s interest in sex; remember that just as your desire is lower, theirs is naturally higher. Neither is right or wrong, and the goal is to work together to create a fulfilling sex life for both of you.
If you are the HDP, consider these ineffective coping patterns and ways to manage them:
· Feeling controlled and resentful: You’re not going to move forward if you approach your partner with bitterness and anger. Recognize that this isn’t an ideal situation for them either. They are not trying to control you; their control is purely a function of their place in the system as the LDP. If you have felt resentment or anger, that has gotten in the way of their willingness to approach you and be part of the solution.
· Taking your partner’s level of interest personally: You may rely on your partner's validation to feel loved, desired, or worthy, which can intensify your desire for reassurance. There could be factors in your relationship that affect their interest in sex, and it's important to address any real obstacles together. If their lack of interest is about you or your behavior, work on fixing it. But if it’s not, try not to take it personally—rejection isn’t a reflection of your worth. Overcoming this mindset can reduce pressure on your partner and keep sex more engaging over time.
· Settling for whatever sex you can get: The person with more desire often becomes resigned, causing them to stop initiating and settle for whatever sex is offered to avoid conflict. This can lead to neglecting your own desires, reinforcing the idea that you're just seeking relief. It undermines your self-respect and your partner’s view of you. Don’t settle for less—demand sex that’s mutually satisfying and meaningful for both of you.
· Pathologizing your partner: Avoid judging your partner's sex drive. Your desire is simply higher, theirs lower—neither is right or wrong. Work together to create a satisfying sex life, without blaming or pressuring. The goal isn’t to increase their desire to match yours, but to help them want as much as they naturally can. Accept the differences and seek other ways to connect and find pleasure together.
Final thoughts:
Sexual desire differences are common in many relationships and can present challenges, but with patience, understanding, and open communication, they can be worked through. By addressing the issue non-judgmentally and taking steps to enhance emotional and physical closeness, couples can overcome this challenge and build a stronger connection. Every relationship is different, and seeking help is okay if needed. The key is finding what works for both partners.
If desire discrepancy is affecting your relationship and you would like additional support to address this, book an appointment with me. I can offer personalized guidance in addressing the factors that may be affecting your desire and ways to communicate this to your partner.