Talk it Out: How Communication Builds Better Relationships

Healthy relationships thrive on effective communication, but that doesn’t just mean talking more.  It’s about how we express our feelings, listen to understand, and respond with empathy.  Whether it’s a long-term relationship or a new partner, the ability to communicate openly and respectfully can make all the difference between connection and conflict.  In this post, we’ll explore simple yet powerful communication tools, like using “I” statements, active listening, and emotional validation.  These tools will help strengthen trust, reduce misunderstandings, and build deeper, more authentic relationships.

1. Start with Self-Awareness

Communication begins before you even open your mouth. Being able to identify your own feelings, triggers, and needs is step one. Dr. Brené Brown often emphasizes the importance of emotional literacy: you can’t express your needs clearly if you don’t understand what’s happening internally.

It’s important to differentiate between thoughts and feelings. Many people get these two confused, especially during conflicts.  They label their thoughts as feelings and then feel entitled to them (ex: “You can’t tell me my feelings aren’t valid; they’re my feelings”).  While this statement is true about feelings, it is not necessarily true about thoughts.  Your feelings can’t be invalid, but your thoughts can. 

Discriminating between the two can be difficult, but it is crucial if you want to stay grounded and if you want your partner to participate in the conversation.  So how do you tell the difference? 

• Feelings are emotions that fall into one of four broad categories: sad, mad, glad, or afraid. 

• A thought is simply your perspective, observation, or interpretation of a situation.

 For example, you might say “I feel like you don’t want to have sex with me and that I’m not important enough to you for you to make any effort”, but this is not a feeling statement.  You probably feel sad, afraid and resentful, but you think that your partner does not desire you or you think that they don’t value you enough to work on your sex life.  By recognizing and acknowledging that you have added your own meaning to the feelings underscores that they are just thoughts; they are not absolute and may not be correct. 

Ask yourself:

• What am I really feeling right now? (Sad, Mad, Glad, or Afraid)

• What thoughts or stories am I creating in this situation?

• What do I need from my partner in the current moment?

• Is this about them, or am I reacting to something deeper?

When you can name what’s happening inside you, it becomes easier to express it calmly and clearly.

2. Use “I” Statements to Reduce Defensiveness and Understand Your Filter

“I” statements are a classic communication tool that is used in therapy.  They are simple but powerful and help to express your experience without assigning blame.  This dramatically lowers the chance of your partner becoming defensive.

Everyone is influenced by their upbringing and experiences, and those affect how you respond to your partner.  People develop what can be called a “filter” that affects how they interpret what others say and do.  This “filter” is especially apparent during times of conflict.  Your thoughts and feelings are a direct result of how you have been raised to view things.  Acknowledging your “filter” can give you the opportunity to switch from blaming your partner or focusing on their behavior to talking about what’s going on for you. 

Let’s return to the example of “feeling like your partner doesn’t want to have sex and doesn’t care enough about you to work on it”.  A better way to express this may be to say: “I realize I feel sad and resentful about the lack of sex in our relationship.  I feel afraid that I won’t be happy in our sex life, and that will damage our relationship overall.  I have this story that you don’t want sex at all, and that you don’t care enough about me to work on it with me.  This belief keeps me distant from you, and I can tell it’s really in the way of our relationship.  Will you explore with me what I’m thinking and feeling so we can move it out of the way?”

By acknowledging your “filter” and using “I” statements, you will be better able to engage in meaningful conversations with your partner by reducing defensiveness, taking responsibility, encouraging empathy, and clarifying your needs.

 3. Practice Active Listening

According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship success is how partners respond to each other’s bids for connection. That means really listening, not just waiting for your turn to talk. If your partner is upset, empathize first.  Listen to what they’re saying and make sure you understand it from their perspective.  Do this before you start constructing your response.  Make it clear that you really see why they are upset based on how they have experienced what happened.  That doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but that you can see the situation through their eyes.  Then you can proceed to communicate how you see it, and they should show you the same courtesy of understanding your point of view.  After you empathize with each other, when both perspectives have been understood, then you can figure out how to handle those differences of opinion. Some examples of active listening include:

• Reflecting back what you heard (“What I’m hearing you say is…”)

• Validating their emotions (“That makes sense, I can see why that would be upsetting to you.”)

• Asking clarifying questions (“Can you help me understand that part better?”)

Effective communication isn’t about proving a point or being “right.” It’s about staying connected, even when things are hard. In emotionally secure relationships, partners prioritize understanding over winning arguments.

Final Thoughts:

No one is born an expert communicator. Like trust, communication is something we build. And in a healthy relationship, it’s not about being perfect, it’s about being willing; willing to listen, willing to pause, and willing to speak with clarity and compassion, even when it’s hard.

If you need help working on better communication in your relationship and would like additional support to address this, book an appointment with me.  I can offer personalized guidance in addressing the factors that may be affecting your communication with your partner.