Navigating Sexual Health Conversations with your Partner
Let’s be real, talking about sexual health with a partner isn’t always easy. Whether it’s a new connection or a long-term relationship, the topic can feel awkward, intimidating, or just plain uncomfortable. But it doesn’t have to be. Having open, honest conversations about sexual health is a powerful way to build trust, protect each other, and create a foundation for a safer and more fulfilling sex life. Here’s how to navigate that conversation with clarity, compassion, and confidence.
1. Prepare and check in with yourself first
Before you bring it up with your partner, take a moment to get clear on your own values, boundaries, and sexual health status. It’s helpful to organize your thoughts prior to initiating a conversation with your partner. Look at these different questions to help get clarity from your perspective:
What happens (or doesn’t happen) in your sex life?
What feelings do you have about that? Feelings are emotions, and fit into 4 basic categories: mad, glad, sad or afraid
What are you thinking? Consider what meaning you’ve made around what’s happening and identify your assumptions and stories. Do you have certain beliefs that inform your reaction and if so, where do those beliefs come from?
What do you want? Describe your vision of the future that you desire. What would be some specific changes that you would want to see if it were up to you, even though it isn’t entirely?
Next, it’s important to get clarity on YOUR contribution. Every situation is co-created. Sometimes it’s easy to see your part, but sometimes you must challenge yourself to look deeply at how you could be part of the problem. Consider these questions to help uncover your role in the dynamic:
In what ways do you focus on your partner’s behavior and attitude rather than your own?
Do you believe something is wrong with them? That they are acting deliberately to hurt or deny you?
How do you behave in the face of sexual difficulty? How might that behavior drive your partner away or deepen the cycle?
How well do you talk about what you want without blame or pressure?
Do you stay grounded in conversation or conflict? Are there ways that your emotional response either escalates those talks or shuts down either you or your partner?
Before you talk to your partner, it may be helpful to try to see the situation through their eyes. Putting yourself into their shoes in advance may help you to create some space for curiosity and empathy. Consider these questions to help see things through their eyes:
How can your partners’ behavior make sense?
What emotions are they feeling? What do you think they are thinking in this situation? What do they want? What are they afraid of?
How can you see their behavior in the best light?
2. Pick the Right Moment
Timing and setting matter, and it helps to be intentional about the hard talks. Avoid the tendency to ambush your partner or dive into an intense topic when they may not have the bandwidth to respond well. It can be helpful to schedule a time to talk; set a time limit so that you both know what to expect and make it happen. Most importantly, keep the conversation out of the bedroom. Consider these suggestions for scheduling the right time for this conversation:
“Hey, I’ve been thinking about something important to me, and I’d love to find a good time to talk with you about our intimacy. When might be a good time for you?”
“I’d love for us to be even more connected and in sync sexually. Can we plan a time to talk openly about it?”
“I came across this article about how couples grow their intimacy. Want to check it out together and talk about it?”
3. Be Prepared for Different Reactions
Not everyone is used to talking about sexual health openly. Your partner might feel caught off guard, nervous, or even a little embarrassed. Approach the conversation as a two-way street and from a positive mindset. Share your own experience and invite your partner to share theirs. This isn’t about interrogation or blame, it’s about safety, honesty, and respect. It may be a tough topic to address, but let your partner know that your commitment to the relationship means you are willing to work through hard things with them. Utilize the following skills needed for good communication:
Differentiate between thoughts and feelings.
Understand your “filter”.
Empathize first and then respond.
Master your own self-regulation.
Stay calm and nonjudgmental. If they need time to process, give them space and support. Stay grounded and self-regulated and continue to bring it up. Let them see that you are serious about solving the problems. And if they react negatively or refuse to have the conversation? That might be a red flag worth paying attention to.
4. Normalize Ongoing Conversations
Sexual health isn’t a one-time chat, it’s an ongoing conversation. Bodies change. Relationships evolve. What felt safe or comfortable a few months ago might shift. Know that you will likely have to have several conversations and a process of exploration and negotiation to transform your sex life; you typically don’t settle it in one conversation. For the tenacious problems, it may take quite a while to fully understand each other and come up with approaches that you can both embrace. Keep the door open, check in regularly, and always make space for honesty, vulnerability, and mutual care.
Final Thoughts
There’s nothing sexier than safety, respect, and emotional maturity. Being able to talk about sexual health openly shows that you care not just about your well-being, but about your partner’s as well. As my favorite sex-positive pod caster (Dr. Emily Morse – “Sex with Emily”) says…” communication is lubrication”. So go ahead. Start the conversation. Your future self (and your partner) will thank you.
If you need help getting this conversation started and would like additional support to address this, book an appointment with me. I can offer personalized guidance in addressing the factors that may be affecting your communication with your partner.